Don’t live your life by someone else’s priorities!

Have you ever found yourself stupefied by the way your carefully planned “No” turned into a “Yes” without you even noticing?

Have you ever found yourself unable to say “No” to a person in need of assistance, even though that assistance would cost you time and energy you don’t have?

If so, you are not alone.

Decades of socio-psychological research show that saying “No” can be quite difficult indeed and that other people have much more influence over our decision making than we believe. 

Starting from Stanley Milgram’s obedience experiment  to  recent experiment by Dr. Vanessa Bohns, social psychology shows how difficult it can be to resist social pressure, whether from peers, colleagues of even strangers. It explains that it becomes even harder when the request comes from someone we care about or from person in position of authority.

Why is that? Why do most people feel discomfort, regret or anxiety when it comes to refusing something?

Dr. Bohns says that one of our most fundamental needs – need for social connectedness and feeling of belonging – feels threatened when we say “No”, as we fear it will negatively affect our relationship with the other person.

That is probably why once we refuse a request we become more likely to accept following requests. It is a result of our need to ‘salvage’ the relationship. And with courtesy of “harshness bias” – our belief that others will judge us more severely than they actually will – we often exaggerate when it comes to perceived negative outcomes of our decision, which further cements our discomfort.

It might be useful to remember that by expressing our feeling honestly and straightforwardly, we are allowing the other person to do the same. Likewise, responsibility for the relationship does not lay exclusively on our shoulders – it is always a two-man show.

It is better for our relationships to say “No” than to breed resentment, anger and feelings of powerlessness.

It is better for our productivity to say “No” than to take on more than we can possibly handle, and ultimately become overwhelmed and stressed out.

So how do we fight it?

The first step is learning to control our emotional response.

Instead of reacting instinctively to our discomfort by caving under pressure, it is better to slow down and analyze our emotional response. By learning to recognize our emotions and to identify what triggers them, we can work on neutralizing them.

Our first instinct when we feel discomfort is to eliminate it. For example, that would be to say “Yes” to a request once we hear that voice in our head whispering: “Can I really afford to refuse this?” When that happens, take a moment and ask yourself: “Can I afford not to?”, “How is this aligned with my goals?”, “Are the people who don’t respect my priorities and my time really the ones I should worry about?” instead. Our knowledge of implications of saying “Yes” can be a powerful source of strength.

Just by knowing of potential psychological traps, some of which have been mentioned in the beginning, our likelihood of falling for them is decreased. Once we are aware of our emotional response it becomes easier to think rationally and face our discomfort.

And the good thing is – as with many things in life – this too becomes easier with practice.

What about your experiences? What advice would you give for facing our fears of saying “No”?

The goal of this blog post is to spread the values of self-appreciation and importance of taking care of ourselves, which are going to be embodied in “ME Day” celebration on March 16th, 2015.